


Waking up alone

by orphan_account



Series: Waking up alone [1]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Denial of Feelings, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feels, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Jealous Luke, M/M, Multi, Pining, basically just feelings, mentions of sex but not in detail
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-29
Updated: 2015-07-11
Packaged: 2018-04-06 18:16:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 8,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4231884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Calum laughs at that, and taps his bare hip. “See you later, Luke.” And he ruffles his hair, messing it up further than what it probably already is. Luke hates when he does that, something so platonic and friendly when not twenty minutes ago they’d definitely crossed that line.</p><p>Then he leaves, just like that, closing the door to Luke’s room behind him. Calum is gone and Luke is left with the empty feeling in the pit of his stomach and the unanswerable question that he asks himself every time this happens: <i>How did we end up here? </i></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. One.

**Author's Note:**

> This started out as a simple pwp but was eaten alive by feelings. Since this story takes place in little bursts of time, i separated it into chapters. Also, i know i haven't posted in a while. Please don't hurt me :-)
> 
>  
> 
> title from up all night by Best Coast and i highly recommend listening to it while reading this.

Luke catches himself staring again.

It’s not like he’s not seen Calum walking around naked before. Especially in the past few months, seeing miles of bare, tan skin and lean legs is nothing that should be of any shock. It’s like he can’t help himself, though. It’s easy to just lay there on his bed and let his eyes follow as he watches Calum get dressed, his back facing the bed. Once he’s found all the clothes that was tossed aside carelessly in the moment and gets dressed, he turns back to face Luke and walks over with a little smile playing on the corners of his lips. It’s so familiar now, and the only time Luke sees it is after sex. It makes him a little sad, because it’s such a cute smile, the world should see it.  Well, maybe not the world. But someone other than a half-asleep Luke.

He presses a soft kiss to the center of Luke’s forehead and looks him over. A few months ago, maybe even a few weeks ago, Luke would have felt a bit insecure about being so exposed; just lying naked in a pile of rumpled sheets while the lights are on and the other person can see everything. They’re past that, though, and a little voice in his head reminds him it’s _Calum_.

“You look fucked out of it, you still here with us?” He asks, still standing beside the bed and inches from Luke’s lips.

The blonde huffs out a laugh and runs a hand over his face in an effort to wipe away whatever expression he’s making. “No thanks to you.”

Calum laughs at that, and taps his bare hip. “See you later, Luke.” And he ruffles his hair, messing it up further than what it probably already is. Luke hates when he does that, something so platonic and friendly when not twenty minutes ago they’d definitely crossed that line.

Then he leaves, just like that, closing the door to Luke’s room behind him. Calum is gone and Luke is left with the empty feeling in the pit of his stomach and the unanswerable question that he asks himself every time this happens: _How did we end up here?_

He groans at the thought, because no matter how many times he wonders why they do this he also knows he’s not going to put a stop to it. No matter how weird he feels afterwards, it’s too good while it lasts to give up.

If anyone were to ask him how the “with benefits” was tacked onto their friendship, Luke wouldn’t know what to say. He really doesn’t know why he started sleeping with Calum. It’s not like they got drunk or high one night and got a little too handsy. They were perfectly sober on a boring afternoon, sitting on the sofa together. Then, in the middle of a sentence, Calum was kissing him and it felt good so he kissed back. They didn’t question it, didn’t even really talk about it. It just sort of happened.

Eventually, he gets up and goes to shower. Then he gets dressed again and strips the bed, and then he goes for Lunch. It’s like that most of the time, they just move on with their separate lives until they see each other again for some obligatory band thing. It’s like a one night stand that plays on a loop, only they still see each other all the time, every day.

Luke knows he’s not the only one. He’s not bitter about it; it’s just how it is. Calum doesn’t talk about it the way he may have before they started whatever it is they have. But Luke has been his friend for much longer than they’ve been fooling around on the side, and he knows. He sees the love bites on Calum’s neck that aren’t from him. He’s fine with not knowing who else it is, though. Calum can do whatever he wants, with whomever he wants. Luke isn’t his boyfriend, so he has no right to be jealous. Still, he’d rather not know who else’s hair Calum ruffles before he leaves them.


	2. Two.

After the first time it happened, Luke panicked. He thought the whole dynamic of the band would be thrown off balance and they’d made this huge mistake.  He thought it would change everything, and it would be so obvious that he and Calum had this dirty little secret and the other boys would be able to tell and it would be awkward. Fortunately, nothing happened. Calum didn’t even treat him any differently than before; their friendship was the same as always. He started to think that he just dreamt up the whole thing, until two weeks later.

They were sitting around in a hotel after a show, each on a screen. Michael was in the corner with his hoodie up and headphones plugged into his laptop. All they’d heard from him in the past half hour had been little strings of curses and aggressive keyboard-tapping. Who knows what world he’d gone off to.

Ashton and Luke were on one of the beds, each on their phones. Ashton was talking to them about something, but Luke wasn’t listening. He was laying upside down and could see Calum across the room from him on the sofa, and he was texting someone.

Then a message popped up on Luke’s phone and he tried his best not to choke on his own tongue.

_‘You look so good tonight. Let me get you off later?_ ’

It was from Calum. Of course it was, who else would be propositioning him? The thing that was so bizarre was he was literally just a few feet away, and nothing about his expression had changed. He wasn’t even looking at Luke, and he was still texting. Probably someone else. Ashton just kept talking, and Michael was still ignoring all of them.

_‘Okay’_ He’d replied.

After that Calum just left and Luke prided himself by waiting twenty two full minutes before leaving Michael’s room too and going across the hall to his. He felt nervous knocking on his own door and a bit silly. The door opened after the second knock and Calum didn’t have a shirt on and Luke forgot to say anything.

“Get in here,” Calum pulled him in by the loop of his skinny jeans and closed the door quickly, pressing Luke against it. He kissed him fast, just a brush of lips before he moved down to his neck, biting his skin and licking hotly over Luke’s Adam’s apple until he gasped softly. At the same time, he could feel Calum pressed up against his thigh and he was hard.

When he spoke again his voice was low and quiet, sounding so calm despite what was happening. “Can I suck you off?”

Luke’s brain-to-mouth filter was ruined by this point. “What?”

It was embarrassing how turned on he already sounded, and he felt kind of dumb. He obviously knew what the other boy meant, he’d had people give him head before. No one had ever made him act like this – like he didn’t know what he was doing. Regardless, Calum got down on his knees and unbuckled Luke’s jeans, pulling them down to his ankles.

“Get the picture now?” The dark-haired boy looked up at him, cocky little smirk plastered on.

Luke just nodded and tried not to bang his head against the door in case anyone was in the hallway.

 


	3. Three.

After that time, Luke wondered if this was a thing. Like, did Calum just have casual sex with the others too and Luke was just the last one in on it? They always acted the same when they were together as a band, so how was he to know?

So when he found himself in a car with Michael, it just slipped out.

“Did you and Calum ever fuck around?”

Michael looked up from his phone in interest, his bright red hair making his confused look and narrowed eyebrows look a bit funny.

“What are you talking about?”

Luke shifted in his seat, unsure what to say now. “Do you ever, y’know . . .mess around with him?” He looked down, picking at the rip in his jeans right over his knee.

Michael laughed, practically in giggles, putting his phone away and turning to face the blonde fully. “Are you asking if I’ve had sex with Calum?”

Luke wanted to bury himself alive. Knowing Michael, he’d be getting shit about this now. He nodded despite himself and refused to look up.

“We wanked at the same time while watching porn a few times . . .  when we were like, fifteen.” His laughter bubbles up again, and he kicked Luke’s foot playfully. “I’d say you definitely have me beat on sexual experiences with Calum Hood. At least from what I’ve heard.”

Luke’s head whipped up, and he was almost shocked. “You knew the whole time?”

Michael couldn’t stop laughing, and he nodded. “He tells me everything; I’m like his little black book.”

Luke rolled his eyes. He should have known.

A moment later, another question came to mind. “Has he ever, um, slept with Ashton?”

The dyed redhead burst into laughter all over again, loud and obnoxious and Luke punched his shoulder.

Eventually Michael calmed down, returning to his phone with a little shake of his head and muttering to himself how silly Luke is.

Luke looked out the window and sat quietly in thought until the car was pulling up to the hotel. He turned to Michael before he could open the door.

“Do you know if he’s been with anyone since he’s, I guess, like… been with me?”

It comes out awkward and choppy and Michael just gives him a sympathetic look.

“Maybe you should be asking him and not me, yeah?” He pats his shoulder, and then they were out of the car and surrounded by people and Luke didn’t have time to process it.

He never ended up asking Calum. He keeps on thinking he’d rather not know.


	4. Four.

Luke stopped counting how many times he and Calum fall into bed together. His life is just a blur of music and people he doesn’t know and the stage and leaving angry red marks on Calum’s back and watching a door close. He can’t say he’s unhappy, necessarily. He got himself into this, after all. He just wishes it was more. He always wants more.

One of the only things that changes is that he knows two versions of Calum now. There’s the one that’s his best friend, who stays up all night with him watching movies and laughing at nothing in particular and cuddles into his side when Luke sings to him. Then there’s the Calum who keeps him up all night pressed into a pillow and leaves marks on his hips and the insides of his thighs and kisses him hard with a hand wrapped around his neck and always closes the door behind him when he leaves. He selfishly wishes the two versions could meet.

Luke tells himself he’s not jealous, because Calum is not his, but when pictures leak online of the dark-haired boy leaving with a girl at a club in London he lets his phone die and sulks in his room for the rest of the day.

When Calum comes back, he goes to his own room and finds Luke there, curled up and asleep. He gets into bed behind the taller boy, gently wrapping his arm over Luke’s waist and kissing his shoulder. They sleep like that until Ashton comes to wake them up for rehearsal. It becomes another thing they don’t talk about.


	5. Five.

Luke tries not to let it break his heart the first time he sees Calum kissing someone else in front of him. He should have known not to leave his room. Michael had asked him earlier if he was going to sleep in Calum’s room, even though they both knew very well he didn’t ever go into the other boy's room just to sleep anymore.  When he said he didn’t know and asked why, Michael just gave him a look. It wasn’t sad or disappointed, just a solemn look. A “think twice” look. He should have known.

He didn’t think Calum would do it. Why would he fuck someone else when they were staying in the same hotel, and Luke was right down the hall?

Like it was planned, Luke was halfway down the hall when the door to Claum’s room opened. He backed into an alcove against the wall, half-hidden. Someone walked out into the hall, and from where Luke was standing he could only see their back. Going on build, it seemed to be another boy. They had light brown hair and tight red jeans, and surprisingly short compared to Calum when he came to stand in front of the stranger. Whoever it was had to stand up on their toes to wrap their arms around Calum’s neck and kiss him. Calum seemed surprised, but didn’t pull away. Luke couldn’t look anymore, so he hid fully in the alcove, listening as the other person spoke.

“That was fun. We should do it again sometime.”

There was no reply, at least not one Luke could hear. The other person laughed easily and said one last thing while their footsteps sounded down the hallway.

 “Bye rock star.”

Luke flinched at that, the way it was said was so brazen and yet somehow so cheap. He was angry at whoever it is; that they would treat Calum like all he was worth is bragging rights.

He heard the door close, and turned back to slip into his own room. As he lay down on the cold sheets, his anger subsided and he was left with a sinking feeling. Seconds from slipping into the darkness of sleep, he wondered why the anger he felt at whoever was using Calum, was the same anger he felt when Calum was using him.

 

 

Three angry mixtapes and four nights later, Luke’s resolve crumbled. If Calum noticed that Luke held him closer and left more marks on his skin over his neck and chest and fucked him a bit harder into the mattress, he didn’t comment on it.

Two rounds later the room was finally quiet, whines and breathy moans and the sound of skin against skin replaced by soft little puffs of breath and heartbeats slowing down to a normal pace. Luke was stretched out lazily, half of him resting on Calum’s chest. They were still recovering, neither having the strength to move while the caught their breath.

Luke raised his head to look at the other boy, who looked down at him. The only light in the room was a cheap hotel lamp across the room, casting a dim glow over tanned skin, and Luke didn’t even realize he was tracing a tattoo that rested just under Calum’s collarbone, running his finger mindlessly over the black Roman numerals. It was his favorite tattoo to touch, and it made him remember when everything was so easy. He had a little hope that one day, things would be that way again.

For now, it was enough to just look at Calum in the little bit of light he had, eyes flitting over his face and taking in every detail. His brown eyes were so wide, and there was a light sheen of sweat covering him. Luke knew he looked just as wrecked if not more so, but he decided to break the silence by teasing the other boy nonetheless.

“You get so sweaty when you bottom.” He smirked, running a hand through the damp, thick hair and pulling back Calum’s fringe until his face scrunched up in disapproval, smacking away Luke’s hand. Luke giggled and bit his bottom lip to contain his grin, wiping his hand on the pillow.

“Yeah well, your hair looks like shit.” Calum replied stubbornly, looking up at how the blonde hair had lost all its product and was sticking up in some places and falling flat in others.

“It’s all your fault, trying to pull at it like that. Think I’ve got a bald patch back here now.” Luke remarked, rubbing the back of his head and checking for bare skin because honestly, Calum got a little rough the second time around. Loud, too, but that didn’t really matter. Michael had stopped filing noise complaints months ago, and Ashton fell asleep with headphone on and pretended he was oblivious.

Calum pouted his lips cutely, his big bottom lip protruding. Just because he was feeling brave, Luke leaned in and kissed him, biting at that same bottom lip playfully. Only Calum didn’t pull away as expected. He held the kiss longer, drawing it out until they were kissing slowly and Calum had a hand over Luke’s throat. He never applied any pressure or anything, just kept his hand there as if to keep Luke there too.

It started to heat up again, mostly because they were still a little sweaty and a lot of naked, and breathing in the same hot air didn’t help the matter. Calum was the one to pull away, Luke’s lips landing on his cheek.

“Get off me string bean,” He huffed out a small laugh, pushing at Luke’s shoulder gently. “Gonna go back to mine and shower.”

Luke let out a longsuffering whine and flopped back down on Calum’s chest dramatically, splaying his long limbs over him to trap his bandmate underneath his body.

“No, stay here. Cuddle.” Luke tried to sound commanding, but it had just a hint of desperation to it. He just felt so happy and warm in his post-sex glow and if Calum left, he knew he’d feel like shit again, it was the same way every time. They stayed that way for a few glorious moments, just enough to build up hope, before Calum pushed at him again, this time using his strength to turn them over and put Luke back onto his side of the bed, grimacing at the way their skin stuck together from the dried sweat. Luke’s arms were sore but he felt such a strong urge to reach out and pull the other boy back in, but he wasn’t going to let himself beg.

Calum sighed tiredly at the disappointed look that was written all over Luke's face.

“Can’t stay, we both need to get some sleep.” He sat up and swung his legs over the edge, reaching down to get his pants and standing slowly as he slid them on. He crossed around the bed to Luke’s side and found his shirt, pulling it on and planting a light peck to Luke’s cheek.

“See you in the morning.”

Luke nodded with a weak smile and pulled the duvet up from where it was kicked to the bottom of the bed, feeling the warmth that had been intoxicating just seconds ago start to fade with every step Calum took. He turned over to face the wall, watching the shadows cast on the wall as the door opened and then gently closed.

He counted ten heartbeats as Calum’s footsteps receded down the hallway.

The room was silent again, only this time it wasn’t so comfortable. It felt like a punch to the gut, and Luke found himself curling up, breathing in the scent of _them_ left all over the sheets and the pillows.

He didn’t need to say it, because his mind was screaming it. When he couldn't help but let it slip out, he was only half surprised that his voice cracked with oncoming tears.

“Bye rock star.” Luke whispered into the emptiness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all i have to say is why am i like this??
> 
> come say hi on [tumblr ](http://tzeringa.tumblr.com/)if you like :))


	6. Six.

He knows he has a problem, at least he can admit it. This is all Calum’s fault, the whole thing, but especially this.

Luke Hemmings is a sex addict.

It started when they found out they had a long weekend off. Four glorious days where they didn't have to do anything but rest and recuperate before the next leg of their tour. Luke fully intended to go home and get some much needed sleep. He figured he deserved to be unapologetically lazy. He worked hard to give the best performance night after night, but it wasn't just physical exhaustion that had him dreaming of falling asleep on the sofa shirtless after eating three bowls of cereal (yeah, he really needed a break). It felt weird to even think about it, but he was also looking forward to a break from Calum. It hadn't gotten any easier, and it had been months. Luke had kind of thought they'd have quit a lot earlier, never really even expected it to be more than a one time thing.

Luke had accepted the fact that he wasn't able to separate his emotions from the physical act of sex the way that people like Calum could. He'd accepted that even though it wasn't right, that it felt right in the moment. That was enough.

He also accepted that he wanted to avoid Calum like the plague for a little while, just so he could feel something that wasn't on the emotional roller coaster he'd been strapped into lately.

Those dreams were dashed when they got to the airport and parted ways. Luke went to get a coffee before finding his gate and looking for a seat to anchor down in and wait for his flight. Of course, Luke didn't notice Calum sitting there until he'd been spotted and it was too late to run. The dark haired boy gave him a soft smile as he chewed away contentedly on a glazed donut. Luke quietly sat down in the empty chair next to him, looking around to see if anyone was watching them with wide eyes or pulling an iPhone out. Thankfully the gate was half empty, and everyone seemed to be either too busy in their own conversations, or they simply didn't care about the two of them.

"What the hell are you still doing here?" Luke whisper-yelled. He was just really angry that no one had bothered to tell him he and Calum were on the same flight.

"I got you one too, no worries." Calum replied casually, totally ignoring the question and handing over an identical glazed donut. Luke took it and had a bite, but frowned deeply in Calum's direction nonetheless.

"This place you're renting, it has a pool?"

"Yeah, why?"

"I want to go swimming, obviously." He laughed lightly, looking at Luke as if he was being thick on purpose.

Luke's mouth kind of opened and closed and generally failed to make a noise of protest. He slumped back into his seat and they ate their donuts in silence. Calum reached over for Luke's coffee, and Luke tilted it towards him so he could take a sip.

There was no point in arguing, Luke could already feel hours of excessive napping slipping through his fingertips.  

The first few hours of being in the house together were weird. It was the longest alone time they'd spent together in months, and it felt a bit awkward when Luke dropped his suitcase by the door and headed straight for the sofa to watch tv. Calum just kind of stood in the doorway hesitantly before walking over and sitting next to Luke stiffly with his hands folded in his lap.

They stayed sitting apart like that until halfway through the movie when Luke got up to get a blanket, sitting back down close enough that Calum reached out and took the other half to cover himself. Towards the end of the movie, Luke could feel the sleepiness set in, and he found himself leaning on Calum's shoulder. He felt a strong arm wrap around him and pull him closer, and just snuggled into the warmth.

When Luke woke up, he was in his bed. He was facing a window and he could see that it was morning now, and he was confused. He could remember watching a movie with Calum on the sofa, but he didn't remember falling asleep or how he ended up in his bed all the way down the hall.  

He got his answer when he turned over and felt another person against his back. After a brief moment of panic that someone had somehow broken in, he turned over fully and realized it was Calum. Luke just stared in awe, because _wow_ , he looked really pretty with the sun shining on him through the window. Also, he didn't expect him to be here. He figured Calum would still sleep in another bed or just leave altogether, but there he was.

He seemed to be disturbed by Luke's movement and opened him eyes slowly, squinting in the light. His face softened when he saw the blonde staring down at him.

"Good morning." He smiled, eyes sparkling. "Did you sleep well?"

"I- Um...yeah" Luke stuttered, resting on his side and running a hand through his hair self-consciously. He wasn't used to waking up next to someone, and Calum was the last person he'd expect. He couldn't deny he felt amazing, adding up the numbers in his head he'd easily slept for ten hours. He was warm, and for once the other side of the bed was too.

"Um, why are you here by the way?"

Calum looked a bit confused at the question, reaching out to run his hand through the short blonde hair to rest on Luke's neck, his thumb rubbing lightly over the boy's cheek.

"I don't want to be anywhere else."

Luke grinned at that and leaned in to kiss him softly , and that was all it took.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe how much/ how fast i update this when my other story is literally wallowing in limbo. Anyway, only a few chapters left! Comments are so amazing and i appreciate all the feedback :)


	7. Seven.

Luke didn't get all the sleep that he'd hoped for. However, he really couldn't complain about the outcome.

They'd figured out that the kitchen echoed when Luke was trying to make pancakes and Calum came in straight from the shower, wrapping his arms around the taller boy's waist and kissing the back of his neck. Luke turned around fully to face him, and they got a bit distracted. Twenty minutes and one blowjob later, they realized two important things: Firstly the pancakes were black and hard as a puck, so they'd have to figure out something else to eat. and Secondly, Luke's noises were a lot louder than usual, and after a rather comical sound test they'd figured out that the minimalist design was so effective the kitchen actually echoed.

They put the acoustics to good use and fucked on the the dinner table that night.

****  


.

****  


"Calum, Fuck!" Luke gasped loudly, reaching out for the other and sinking his fingertips into Calum's back. He clung tightly to him and wrapped his legs around Calum's hips, whining as a shiver ran down his spine. He looked to Calum expecting to see a similar reaction, but instead he was wearing a huge, smug grin.

"No, don't do it, I can't take it!" Luke tried to squeal in protest, but it was all too late. Calum shook his head back and forth, sending freezing droplets of water all over the blonde.

In vain, Luke tried to swim away to the other side of the pool, but Calum easily caught his foot and held him there, using his other arm to splash him relentlessly.

Luke giggled, trying his best to guard himself from the water by scrunching his eyes closed. It wasn't the best plan of action, because when he tried to retaliate and splash Calum in return, he was doing so blindly. It wasn't an effective splash battle either way, they were both laughing too much to do any real damage.

Once they'd calmed down and opened their eyes, a significant amount of water was on the sides of the pool, wetting the concrete.

"It's fucking freezing in here." Luke commented as he swum around in a circle, trying to keep his teeth from chattering. Calum just smirked and relaxed his muscles, floating on his back effortlessly. It looked kind of stupid, considering he was completely naked and it was _fucking cold_.

It was Calum's idea anyway, waking Luke up with gentle kisses all along his back only to tell him it would be a great idea to jump into the pool at four in the morning, still naked from the night before. Luke was too well-fucked and happy to even think of saying no. Besides, they only had one day left, and Calum really wanted to swim in the pool.

Eventually Luke floated on his back too, closing his eyes again and letting himself get lost in his mind.

The break had turned out to be the best thing ever, because for once it felt like Luke and Calum were just that. It was so easy when it was just the two of them, away from everything else that always seemed to distance them. For once, Luke could fall asleep wrapped up warmly with his chest pressed against Calum's back.

He wondered if when they went back to their real lives if it would all change again. The past few days had been amazing, but it wasn't reality. They had a job to do, even though it didn't really feel like a job. And even though he would never admit it, he really missed Michael and Ashton. He was an awful friend really, he hasn't talked to them much since the airport. To be fair, he was otherwise occupied.

Luke tried not to think that it was all going to go back to the way it was. He didn't know if he could take it, he was spoiled now. He wanted Calum all to himself more than he ever had before, and he didn't think that was even possible. But how could he say that?

It was all pretty fucked up. If it was anyone else Luke wouldn't be so conflicted, but it was Calum. They had all this history and he felt like if he tried to lock him down into a committed, monogamous relationship Calum might actually implode. Or at the very least, he would stop fucking about with Luke all together and their friendship would suffer and it would be a whole domino effect for the rest of the band.

It didn't stop him from wanting it, though. The past few days had been so good, Luke selfishly wished they could stay here forever just so it didn't have to end.

As if he could read minds, Luke felt Calum's hand graze his and then a moment later, gently intertwine their fingers.

 

At least for today, at half past four in the morning, neither of them was going to float away.

****  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm actually challenging myself to finish this by the end of the week, and i just have a bit left! Probably two or three more chapters. I just want to say thank you to everyone who is reading this, your comments keep me going! :)


	8. Eight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **IMPORTANT:** This is the only chapter in the story from Calum's point of view. it's a flashback chapter, meaning it took place before their little break. since things are at a bit of a turning point, I thought it would be a good idea to show why Calum finally chose to stay.

_It's not the same._

Calum really wished he didn't realize that when there was a girl on his lap, kissing his neck and rubbing him through his jeans.

He felt bad about it because he's sure the girl is nice and yeah, he's attracted to her, but it all feels wrong. He gets a sick feeling in his stomach when she whispers "touch me," hotly in his ear, and his hands stay limp at his side. He just can't seem to get Luke out of his head, and it's been bothering him for days. All he could hear in his head is a constant stream of Luke telling him goodbye. That had been two days ago, and in the morning they were supposed to leave for a little break before the next leg of tour. His parents had already called and rambled on excitedly about how happy they were to see him. For once, he didn't want to go home. He knew Luke was renting a house and he was going to be all alone, and for some reason that bothered him. He didn't know why, it wasn't like Luke was his boyfriend.

He didn't know what to do, but he knew this wasn't helping.

"I'm sorry, I - I can't."

He heard the words slip out, but he didn't realize it was his own voice that said it until the girl looked up at him, a confused look painted on her face.

"Did I do something wrong?" She asked, shifting away from him a bit and taking her hands off his crotch.

Calum shook his head quickly, running a hand up and down her arm to comfort her. "No, I just. . . don't want to anymore."

She raised an perfectly shaped eyebrow skeptically. "Really?"

"I promise it's not you, it's me." He supplied, internally wincing. That made it sound even worse.

The girl rolled her eyes, flipping her long brown waves over her shoulder and climbing off his lap. "Whatever, Mikey's hotter anyway."  

With that, she grabbed her purse and strutted out of the room, closing the door behind her.

Calum sighed loudly in frustration to the empty room, rubbing the palm of his hand over his face. He was a mess, and it was all Luke Hemmings' fault.

He went into the bathroom and turned on the shower to burning hot temperature, groaning in relief when it hit his skin and fell down his back. He washed up quickly, trying his best not to let his thoughts wander, because he didn't have time to have a sad wank over Luke and that would only confuse him even more.

After turning the tap and getting out, He fluffed his hair dry with a towel and got dressed in loose sweats and a soft nirvana t-shirt, one that he wasn't sure was originally his.

He left his room and slipped the keycard into his pocket, padding down the hall in his barefeet. Once he found the room he was looking for, he knocked quietly on the door.

After waiting for a long time, he knocked again persistently. Finally, he heard footsteps coming toward him.

The door opened to reveal a fluffy mass of dark black hair, sticking up haphazardly from sleep. Soft green eyes glared at him sharply, annoyed at his sleep being interrupted. When he realized who it was, however, his face softened and a cheeky smirk played on his ruby-toned lips.

"You've got the wrong room mate, we're not that close." Michael chuckled, running a hand over his bare chest and shaking his head.

"Shut up, I need to talk to someone." He pushed at Michael's shoulder, scooting into the open space of the doorway. He walked into the room and laid down on the bed, knotting his fingers together behind his head.

"Why can't you talk to Ashton? I was sleeping." Michael said as he flopped down beside him and pulled the duvet back up over the both of them.

Calum sighed for the hundredth time that night, shooting Michael a pointed look. "Because he never wants to talk about Luke, says he doesn't want to be in the middle of it."

Michael groaned and covered his face, burying himself into the pillows. "If it's about your Luke feelings I don't want to hear it anymore either. Why don't you actually go talk to Luke about your feelings for once?"

Calum shoves the covers off him, receiving a loud whine and string of curses in return. "Seriously Mikey, I need to get something off my chest."

With a half hearted roll of his eyes, Michael sits up and leans against the headboard, looking down at Calum expectantly. "Some people get paid to listen to other people's problems, you know."

"It started two days ago." Calum begins, totally ignoring Michael's comment. "I went into his room and he was in the shower, so I thought about leaving but then I just, I didn't."

"very exciting." Michael commented dryly.

"But then he came out and it was like he was surprised I was there, but he crawled right into my lap and kissed me. It was like he thought that's what I expected. I mean, I guess that's what I went there for but once it was happening, I didn't think it was the most important thing. I kind of just wanted to hold him because I was lonely and I missed him."

Michael looked down at him with a frown, like a part of him understood exactly what Calum was feeling.

"And then he took my jeans off and it was all happening so fast and then. . .I don't know, for the first time, it didn't feel good. Not during, you know, that was perfect. It always is. But after, I just felt kind of. . . cold. and then he turned to me with this look in his eyes. It was so weird, I don't know how to describe it other than he just looked. . . dead. And then he kissed me again and told me he'd see me after the break. I felt like he wanted me to leave, so I got dressed and I went back to mine. It just felt so wrong, Mikey. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I just felt like total shit and I still feel it. I'm always thinking of him, and not just, you know, that way. For some reason, I feel so guilty about the whole thing, like I should have never gone that far with him. It's fucking me up, I can't be with anyone else. I don't even want to be anymore, I just want him."

Calum looks at the other boy suddenly, panic and realization spreading over his face all at once. "I think it's more than sex now. I think I'm starting to fall for him."

Michael blinks a few times and seems to be really deep in thought before he looks around the room and decidedly gets up and goes over to the minibar. He grabs two beers and heads back to the bed, handing one to Calum, who takes it with only a slight laugh.

"Cheers." He says, popping the cap off and clicking the neck of his bottle against Michael's.

"So what are you going to do about it?" Michael asks once they're both a comfortable amount of sips in.

They fall into a silence, a hundred things running through Calum's mind as they quietly sip their drinks. All at once, it seems like the answer is so obvious. 

Calum pulls out his phone and opens the messenger app, texting his mom that he's not going to be flying home. He turns back to Michael.

"First I'm going to finish this beer, and maybe have another one after that. Then, you're going to help me get Luke's flight info. If he's going away, then I want to go with him."

Michael practically glows, jumping up to get his laptop and flinging it onto the bed.

"This is crazy, but I totally support it."

Calum chugs down the rest of his beer. "Good, because I was going to do it either way."

****  
  
  
  



	9. Nine.

There's something to be said about watching someone wake up. Not that Luke did it on purpose, that would be a bit weird.

It was early morning, and his first thought was they had a flight to catch that afternoon. They only had a little while left. His second thought was that he could feel Calum curled up against him, his head on Luke's chest and their legs tangled together. He opened his eyes slowly, looking down at the other boy and instantly feeling warm.

Calum was breathing softly against his skin, lips parted just slightly. His hair was a mess, but it was so soft that all the younger boy wanted to do was card his hand through it, but he didn't want to wake him up.

He didn't need to, because a moment later as if he sensed that Luke was awake, Calum's foot moved with his toes curling in and pressing against Luke's foot. He inhaled a sharp breath and slowly rolled from his side onto his back, and opened his eyes as well.

Luke couldn't bring himself to look away, and Calum noticed him staring almost instantly.

"Hey creep."

The blonde leaned in for a kiss, morning breath be damned, and Calum instantly met his lips and wrapped his arms around Luke's neck loosely, pulling him closer until the younger boy was crawling over him.

They giggled against each other's lips and Calum bit Luke's bottom lip playfully as Luke rubbed a hand down his back. Quiet settled in again, just Luke's fingers drawing patterns onto Calum's skin.

"I don't want to get on that flight." He spoke quietly a moment later, stilling his movements. "Don't want to share you again."  

He pressed a kiss to Calum's forehead and closed his eyes, not expecting any sort of protest to that comment. Only a moment later, he could feel Calum pulling away from him and slipping out of the bed. He kept his eyes closed and listened to footsteps retreading from the bedroom and down the hall, and he let out a sigh.

It was bound to happen eventually, reality set in and the little bubble that had been around them for the past few days popped.

Luke was just about to eject himself from the bed, planning on taking the duvet with him and walking to the bathroom to shower looking like a huge marshmallow. He would bring all the warmth along with him until he could get into the tub, just so he didn't have to be cold this morning.

Just as he was preparing to roll himself up in the thick blanket, he felt the bed dip as someone crawled back onto the bed.

He opened his eyes to a very surprising sight.  Calum was sitting on his side of the bed, still naked, and held his guitar in his lap.

"What are yo-"

He was interrupted by a loud strum. "Shh. I'm going to play you a song. You can ask questions after."

As always, Calum was unpredictable. Luke bit his lip, unsure of what to expect, and nodded. "Okay."

Calum began to play, and within seconds Luke recognized the song. He's watched the video an embarrassing amount of times and knew every lyric, but resisted singing along.

 _It's all about you_  
 _It's all about you, baby_  
 _It's all about you_  
 _It's all about you_  
  
 _Yesterday, you asked me something I thought you knew._  
 _So I told you with a smile 'It's all about you'_  
 _Then you whispered in my ear and you told me to, Say 'If you make my life worthwhile, it's all about you'_  
  
 _And I would answer all your wishes, if you asked me to._  
 _But if you deny me one of your kisses, don't know what I'd do._  
 _So hold me close and say three words, like you used to do._  
 _Dancing on the kitchen tiles, it's all about you._  
  
Calum looked up to gauge Luke's reaction, and was met with a grin that brought out the dimple in his cheek. Calum found himself smiling as he sung.

_And I would answer all your wishes, if you asked me to._   
_But if you deny me one of your kisses, don't know what I'd do._   
_So hold me close and say three words, like you used to do._   
_Dancing on the kitchen tiles,_   
_Yes you make my life worthwhile,_   
_So I told you with a smile..._   
_It's all about you._   
  
_It's all about you_   
_It's all about you, baby_   
_It's all about you_   
_It's all about you_

As the notes faded, Calum set the instrument carefully on the side of the bed leaning against the wall. Luke easily crawled up into his lap, pecking his lips sweetly until they were both smiling.

"Thanks for the trip down memory lane. What's the occasion?"

Calum smirks, thumbs rubbing into Luke's hips. "Me admitting that I've been a fucking idiot."

Luke laughs loudly, trying to pull out of Calum's grip, "Woah, hold on, let me get my phone, I need a record of that."

They laugh easily and Luke cards his fingers through Calum's thick hair to calm his nerves, going quiet as he continues.

"I mean it, I'm an idiot for ever treating you like you were just another notch on my bedpost. Everyone else was just a temporary fix, but I always came back to you. I was in a hundred different forms of denial, but it took me seeing myself through your eyes to realize that I didn't want that anymore."

He cups Luke's face in his hands and waits for the other boy to look up, gentle blue eyes meeting his.

"You're my best friend, Luke. I know I've been a shit friend, much less anything more. To be honest, you deserve the complete opposite of me. You're an idiot too, I guess. I would have kicked my ass by now. But I got on that flight because I knew if it was just us, it would be perfect, and it's been more than that. I want it to be just us from now on, for as long as you'll have me. Based on past performance, there should be nothing that makes you even consider that. But I'm willing to spend a long, long time proving to you that I can be everything you deserve."

With that, Calum's speech is over. Luke doesn't even think before he leans forward and presses a gentle kiss to Calum's cheek.

"You're already everything I want."

Calum's face lights up at the answer, his shoulders dropping like a huge weight is off him. Grinning like mad, he throws Luke back down on the bed, laying him out on his back. Their kisses are so filled with smiles and giggles that they're barely kisses at all until Calum trails down Luke's neck to his chest, and down his stomach. Deep brown eyes look up at Luke as Calum sucks a bruise into the skin just above his hipbone, and they silently agree to work the rest out later. For now, they have a few hours left in seclusion, and they intend to enjoy every little second.

 **  
****  
**

* * *

 

 

 

As expected, it is bittersweet to leave the house and go to the airport. Out in the real world and away from their little haven on a private road, there's an endless number of things that could tear them apart. Luke tries not to think about those things, even through the long flight. He just holds Calum's hand and thinks about a certain cute little song. He doesn't quite trust him yet, but he trusts that time will show him everything he needs to know.

They land in one airport all together, and are met with giant hugs that knock the wind out of them. Luke is used to it, every time they're reunited after a break it's like they haven't seen each other in years rather than days.

Luke only gets about thirty seconds to wonder what the other two are thinking when they see that Calum has his arm wrapped around Luke's hip and there's an obvious love bite on Calum's neck that wasn't there the last time they saw him. Ashton is rambling on about his siblings and his girlfriend, but Michael blurts it out like he couldn't possibly hold it in any longer.

"So, are you guys really together now, not just bullshit boyfriends?"

Calum looks at luke questioningly, a little smirk playing on his lips.

Luke smiles back at him, nodding his head. "That's a good start."

Calum's smirk grows into the cheesiest smile and he kisses Luke chastely because he can't resist.

"Yay!" Michael cheers,clapping softly. He nudges Ashton's shoulder until the drummer claps as well, rolling his eyes fondly. "I'll have confetti next time, I promise."

They laugh and glow in their happy moment, but they also know it's time to move on. People start telling them what doors to head towards, and of course there's cameras waiting. It happens in the blink of an eye, and suddenly they're just behind the doors, with cameras flashing a flutter of noise waiting for Luke to step out and join Michael and Ashton. There's no getting used to it, and no matter how many times it happens it's always hard for Luke to push that door open rather than turn and run the other way. Just as he's about to get it over with, he feels Calum's fingers hesitantly brush against his. He looks back at him and grins, locking their hands together.

"You sure about this?"

"Absolutely."

They walk out hand in hand, and the noises only grow louder now on the other side of the door. They're not sure what's going to happen tomorrow, but neither of them can stop smiling in that moment. For once, Luke doesn't think about turning back. He's done watching doors close, knowing that now every door he faces, he's going to walk through it with Calum, hand in hand.

****  
  
  
  
  
  


  
  


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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yayy!! That's the end. This started out as just a pwp and now its this - feelings and angst and a fluffy bunny tail ending with no real smut to be found. Kinda like me.
> 
>  
> 
> I really liked writing this, it wasn't my best plot wise but I still like how it turned out for what it is. I want to say thank you again and again and AGAIN to everyone who commented and left kudos, it was great. I reply to every comment because I truly appreciate every one and because I have no life. 
> 
> Also if you're still reading, I may do a follow up chapter of enough people are interested ;)


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